The Turner Classic

The Turner turned to see who had let forth the shrill scream; an old lady dangled helplessly from a windowsill. “Hang on miss, I’m coming right up!” the turner yelled upwards as he raced for the door of the high rise apartment complex. The Turner usually  took the stairs,  as it was the only time he could take a turn every 12 steps and still go in a consistent direction, but time was of the essence, so he took the elevator. The Turner was pleasantly surprised when the door opened up behind him as it stopped at its destination. A straight hallway stood before him. A scream echoed from the last door on the left. “Miss! Grab hold of my hand!” the Turner yelled to the dangling elder. “Though first, I must know” he paused, pulling his outreached hand back slightly “What was the color of your last bowel movement?” “WhaAAat?” she responded. “The color madam, was it more of a caramel brown or a sandy green?” At that moment the woman lost her grip. She plummeted, splattering on the concrete below.

The Turner looked down for a while at the gathering crowd before proceededing to the deceased’s bathroom to see if he could scrounge up some evidence. As he sat on her raised toilet seat cover he pictured the woman pulling her drawers down and squatting over the hole clenching her bottom. The Turner closed his eyes as his hand slid down his skintight suit. At that moment there was a knock on the door, The Turner had to think fast. “Sir, what in the hell are you doing” the officer said upon seeing the spandexed man standing in drag before him. “I’m just finishing up here officer.”

Down at the station The Turner looks through the bars of his cell. He had already rotated 2880 degrees and had gleaned all of the subtleties of his constrained space. He could hear all of the screams in front of him, though he wasn’t worried in the least about those but rather, the ones that came from behind him, which were giving him goose-bumps.”THEY NEED MY HELP” he screamed, clenching the vertical metal bars. “you know officer, I’ve noticed you’re walking a little funny . How many bowel movements have you had in the last 24 hours?” he whispered.