What are Frans™ for?

Let me let you in on one of the best kept secret of single mothers: Frans™ brand paste. I couldn’t possibly tell you every use this versatile wonder product is good for, but I will list among my personal favorites.

-Stained metal hangers? Frans™ it right out!

-An unlifted refrigerator? Raise the stakes with Frans™.

-Taking apart all of your plumbing? Frans™ in an iced tea keeps it cool.

-Have phantom ants? Put Frans™ in a baggie with some lemon juice and shake until frothy, then pour it around all your windows and doors.

-Wondering if you should have gone into textile importing? Put a dab of Frans™ on a cotton swab and gently clean around your nose with it.

-Road Trip? Frans™.

-Winding up an old music box that’s been passed down for generations? Speed up the process with a bit of Frans™!

-Bisquick boring your kids? Make Francakes™!

-Telephone bill too pricey? Replace your home phone service for only $19.95 a year with Frans™.

-Going to leave your life behind and need to fake your own death in a convincing way? Frans™ in the freezer overnight creates the perfect body double for your 'car into the ravine' scheme.

These are just a few of the ways that I use Frans™ brand paste everyday. I encourage you, as one single mother to another, Go pick up a pack of Frans™ brand paste from your local grocer, hardware chain or furniture shop!

 About the Author:

Melony Greene is a Mother, Crafter and Editorialist for the Statesboro Sun 'Around the House' Column.

Fran™ brand paste is a product of Franco industries and should only be used for the purpose of adhering light items to your walls and should not be used for the proceeding or the following activities; pet maintenance, heating and uncooling, grill based experimentation, number crunching, water sking, entertaining, bootlegging, crawfishing or recycling in the states of NY, NJ, MN, CA and WA. Franco industries is not liable for any criminal charges brought against you for the misuse of Fran™ or Diet Fran™ brand paste. © 2011 Franco industries Jillbe, CA.

The Turner Classic

The Turner turned to see who had let forth the shrill scream; an old lady dangled helplessly from a windowsill. “Hang on miss, I’m coming right up!” the turner yelled upwards as he raced for the door of the high rise apartment complex. The Turner usually  took the stairs,  as it was the only time he could take a turn every 12 steps and still go in a consistent direction, but time was of the essence, so he took the elevator. The Turner was pleasantly surprised when the door opened up behind him as it stopped at its destination. A straight hallway stood before him. A scream echoed from the last door on the left. “Miss! Grab hold of my hand!” the Turner yelled to the dangling elder. “Though first, I must know” he paused, pulling his outreached hand back slightly “What was the color of your last bowel movement?” “WhaAAat?” she responded. “The color madam, was it more of a caramel brown or a sandy green?” At that moment the woman lost her grip. She plummeted, splattering on the concrete below.

The Turner looked down for a while at the gathering crowd before proceededing to the deceased’s bathroom to see if he could scrounge up some evidence. As he sat on her raised toilet seat cover he pictured the woman pulling her drawers down and squatting over the hole clenching her bottom. The Turner closed his eyes as his hand slid down his skintight suit. At that moment there was a knock on the door, The Turner had to think fast. “Sir, what in the hell are you doing” the officer said upon seeing the spandexed man standing in drag before him. “I’m just finishing up here officer.”

Down at the station The Turner looks through the bars of his cell. He had already rotated 2880 degrees and had gleaned all of the subtleties of his constrained space. He could hear all of the screams in front of him, though he wasn’t worried in the least about those but rather, the ones that came from behind him, which were giving him goose-bumps.”THEY NEED MY HELP” he screamed, clenching the vertical metal bars. “you know officer, I’ve noticed you’re walking a little funny . How many bowel movements have you had in the last 24 hours?” he whispered.

'Green Shirts and Lion Cakes'

today is my birthday, i am 7 years old today. my mom said that tonigh we would go and pick out a cake from 

the food lion and that i could get whatever color icing i wanted. i pick out my greenist shirt from my dresser drawer because it is my favorite color and i feel like a ninja turtle with it on. for fun i desided that i would take a thing from my room to school today since it is my birthday and all. so i choose my baseball bat but my mom told me that i couldnt even on my own 7th birthday but maybe on my 8th one? i didnt know what else i could bring that would make me as happy as my bat, so i chose the funny framed future box. on the way out the door my mom told me to be careful of the time space conundrum but i didnt know what she ment. i noded and she kissed me good by.

on the bus stinky aron sat down next to me but since it is my birthday i didnt say anything mean to him like that he smelled like a elefents butt and that his hair looked like spageti sause was dried in it. during recess i took out my magic future frame and looked at todays picture, it was of a can of glitter. kelly and samantha came up to me and asked what i was holding and i told them that it was none of there dumb buisness! they ran to ms. julians and she made me show her the picture. after ms. julians saw the picture she told me not to be mean to kelly and samantha and she even made me apoligize on my birthday. at lunchtime ms julians called the class to the center of the room and announced that it was my birthday. i told everyone that i was seven and every sang me the birthday song.

 

 after lunch jonah and wren and kyle came up to me and started teasing me about being the birthday boy. i told them to shut up and kyle grabbed my backpack and they threw it arround. i told them to be careful but they didnt care and they dropped it. when i looked inside the frame was chipped on one corner. i was relly scared about the space time contraneum so i told the guys they were in real trouble and that i would tell my mom that they did it!

during arts and crafts i glued the chip down and it was good as new but then the glass in the back fell out and it broke on the floor into a million peices! suddenly everyone seemed to just disapper from the plane of reality and i just knew that i was in the biggest trouble. i was floating in the arts room and the math room at the same time and i saw my own meat floating outside of and around me. i felt as if i were never and allways. all i could see in the sky was a canister of glitter i suddenly felt sticky and sharp at the same time and the back of my head and gravity dripped down my leg. suddenly i saw me and i was blowing out the candles to my food lion cake and holding a baseball bat. i knew that it was me on my 8th birthday. i wish i were me at age 8. as i reached for a piece of my future cake i noticed that my 8 year old self was missing his eyes. i looked down at the color of my shirt and noticed that i had gone blind. all of existance ended on my 6th birthday. the end.

'The Tiramiseur'

I was needed again, my pager alerted me of that much. I shaved, put on my shirt and headed out the door. On the way I grabbed my much needed tool which was on the threshold, leaning against my tasteful porcelain nymph lamp. The roads were mostly bare, save for a few unfortunate late night errand runners and drunks on tractors. I doubt they were heading into the same thing that I was at a brisk 55 miles per hour. 

By the time I arrived the bulk of the commotion had died out, the deer that inhabit the ranch were missing; only their fawn remained huddled as a mass inside of a large fiberglass castle like little spotted fuzzy goldfish. I went back to the car, popped the trunk, and grabbed my supply pale along with a warm diet mountain mist from my ineffective cooler. I popped the top on my refreshment and looked to the ground for clues on the direction my assignment, which knocked over fence posts and deer tracks revealed to be into the forest, wonderful.

There is little more in life I hate than the forest. It might be the lack of human tampering or the smell of rotten leaves and squirrel shit but it is not a place I would prefer to spend my Saturday mornings. I followed the trail for a good while, now following the growing noise to my in front of me. Through the trees and brush I could see a familiar blue light. When you’re in my line of work the scene was mundane, the deer carcasses that littered the pass ahead of me were of no surprise. I was surprised they had gotten this far really. The shrill evenly spaced bleeping sound the beacons let out halted as I drew near. Their blue color confirmed that my colleagues had been and gone already, and the threat neutralized. I took my instrument off my back and began the cleanup.

As I scooped up some twisted, charred deer arms, or I suppose on deer they're legs, I wished that I would be assigned an upgraded model of my Nitra-shovel. The new ones really have a just few more novel features but, if anything, a functioning giger-grip or a normalizing pack canister that wasn’t held on with electric tape would be nice. By now I was used to the smell of protein sapped meat, but it’s just the awful way the eyes continue staring into nothingness that makes me uneasy. It was getting light, so the light glow that the bodies let off was dimmed, but I mostly had a completed pile, my agency doesn’t mind the occasional left behind toe or earlobe, as long as the incident is secluded enough. I pushed the button on my pager and turned the blue signals on the incident beacon to white, signaling to my overseers that the work was done. I packed my supply pail up and headed back to my government Issued station wagon. One day I had hoped to meet someone else at my organization, but I suppose rules there for a reason and if the guys at top didn’t want us mingling beyond colored lights or comically arranged piles of livestock parts then so be it.  I headed back home for another six or so months of rest.

Take my coat please.

“It’s a terrible world where one is cold as soon as the air conditioner turns on, but hot as soon as it turns off. Though it is an equally terrible world with pants on“ Kevan thought  to himself as he sat in his bed. He hadn’t seen the sun today, but that was fine by him. He was worried about becoming too complacent in his glamorous lifestyle as the delivery man knocked on his front, and only, door.

As he browsed through the catalogs lining his walls, slurping chicken egg-drop soup from its plastic container, he took the pen out from behind his ear and began crossing out various ladies overcoats from the pages. Soon Kevan was left with 8 approved choices. He gave them last once-over and felt great satisfaction.

“Dial Burlington” he yelled sharply, his warm breath fluttering a few of the stapled catalog pages from their walls for a moment. “Phone” he said in an annoyed tone “DIAL BurlingTON”. 

He hurried across the room to his communication center, which consisted of a cardboard box with a range of outdated cell phones piled amongst a tangle of adapters, decommissioned television antennae and a gameboy with a single AAA battery in it.

The phone he was addressing had come lose from its lifeline, and stared back at him blankly with an oil smudged screen. It was as he refastened the phone to the charger that he lamented dropping his internet provider for raising his cable connection rate 5 dollars a month, but it was the principle of the manner and the feeling quickly passed.

“Hello yes I would like to place a order. Uh huh. Yes items: 2104, 2218, 2219, 3020, 3404, 3500, 3511 and 3580 size M. Yes mam, each in yellow. Mastercard. 2108733289894402. My address sould be on- that’s correct. Uh huh. Thank you. Yes thank you.”

He waited, as he always did, for the representative to hang up.  He carefully took down each page from the wall, separating them into two piles, and filed them away under ‘April 2011’. As he got back into his bed, his air conditioner came on, and quickly shut off, as it did every several minutes.